Click to Enlarge

I know, I know. Almost everyone who reads this will, most likely, want to burn me at the stake but I guess I’m not all that interested in JRPGs (Japanese Role Playing Games) anymore. I try to be, I really do because, once upon a time, I really enjoyed them. Final Fantasy VII is still one of my all-time favorite games as is Eternal Sonata but I think I was in a different place in my life when those games were released; a place with less responsibilities; a place called high school.

Nowadays, I try to wrap my head around a JRPG and I go cross-eyed and Final Fantasy XIII is just another example of that. I tried to get myself pumped for FFXIII by watching a few game videos but when I watch one on the new combat system, my nose started to bleed. Here, take a look for yourself. If this seems like the sort of thing that could help you relax after a day at work, you probably don’t have a job.

Zzzzzz… Oh, I’m sorry, I was in a boma (boring-coma).

Okay, its got a unique combat system, its pretty, and I’m sure it also has a fantastic story but to really appreciate those things with a modern JRPG, I feel like I’ve got to trudge through miles of tedium until my socks are soaked in ‘boring’.

The combat is probably very interesting and entertaining indeed but, with a system this in depth, I know it will be 4 hours in (minimum) before they’re done introducing me to all the elements involved. I know I’ll probably be eased into it but that doesn’t change the fact that that there’s always a point in Final Fantasy where I think I’m halfway through the story and suddenly I’m being taught how to revive players with phoenix down. Really? I’m still in the tutorial period??

The graphics, on the other hand, are probably kick-ass the second the disc is spinning but I’ve also played Final Fantasy games enough to know those pretty attacks and spells are used to grind through combat regions. They’ll be used over and over in until I start hitting the “Skip animation” button since I’ve seen it a hundred times already.

Finally, there’s the story. In my opinion, this is the hardest hurdle to overcome. JRPG stories are, overall,  fantastic with enormous breadth and often littered with poignant allegories of current events. What do I have to weed through to enjoy all that, though? Horrid voice acting and scripting (even the best localization still pales in comparison to the original), the heaviest of heavy-handed emotion dripping from every dialogue exchange, and male characters with enough femininity to fill an over sized man-purse. See man-purse below.

Click to EnlargeZOMG, she’s topless!! …And she’s got an Adam’s Apple?

Okay now, after all that, let me say this. Do I think Final Fantasy XIII will be a bad game? No. Do I think these issues are insurmountable? No. Now, are they enough to keep me from buying Final Fantasy XIII? Yes, I’m afraid they are. Just my two cents.

- Squid out